When’s The Time For More Independence For A Child?
Branching Out
(Originally published in Growing Without Schooling 65)
As summer begins this mom writes how summer is a time for growth and learning for her son and her relationship to him. I know that in our family, as the girls got older, we had to “let go of some of the old protective impulses” and adjust ourselves to the new realities we were introduced to. How did you reassess your parenting as your child got older?
Katherine McAlpine (TN) writes:
This summer Nathaniel (10) has spent almost every spare moment at the high school athletic field which when school isn’t in session is a popular gathering spot for joggers, golfers, tennis and volleyball players, frisbee throwers, and kite fliers. The field is very much a neighborhood hangout and only a block from our house, so I don’t worry (too much) when Nathaniel disappears for hours at a time. Of course we’ve discussed in some detail what isn’t appropriate adult behavior and what he should do if he should ever encounter that.
More and more I’m aware that home is no longer enough, my interpretation of the world is no longer enough for him. He needs to move out into the wider world, meet people who aren’t me or connected to me, have his own experiences, and draw his own conclusions. Yet he still wants to know that I’m here for him to check in with. As eagerly as he bikes off toward the field every day, he bursts back through the door just as eagerly, usually hungry, beaming, and talking a mile a minute. Then I have to drop everything and hear all about his newest adventures, the people he’s met, and word-for-word replays of every single conversation. He’s noticed that adults have two invariable questions: how old are you, and where do you go to school (in fairness, this seems to be a response to the fact that he’s so confident and articulate for someone his size). He’s also noticed that some adults think it’s fun to tease kids by putting them on—i.e., seeing if they’ll believe some improbable story—and though the whys of this continue to puzzle him, he’s become much savvier about recognizing tall tales. He says his favorite people tend to be those in their late teens and early twenties because they treat him like an equal and don’t talk down to him the way older grownups often do.
Recently he went into the used golf ball business, and it was interesting to watch the very serious and businesslike way he went about it. At first it was fun just to collect stray balls, but he soon acquired more than he could possibly use. Then (since money is never far from his mind) he began wondering if he could sell them. I had no idea what sort of market might exist for used golf balls, so he spent the next week conducting a survey of golfers, asking how much they’d be willing to pay, and recording their answers in a little notebook. The most popular answer, as well as the average, was 50¢. Nathaniel spent the next two days working out different sales pitches and practicing them on me. It was hard sometimes to keep a straight face, but I didn’t want to spoil things for him by showing amusement.
His first day in business he made $2.50, added three balls to his inventory, and was ecstatic. Other days weren’t so good, and he began planning his sales outing more carefully. Once he faced a tough business decision when a man said his price was too high but offered him 25¢ instead. Nathaniel didn’t know about the art of haggling and was taken aback. He told me later that he’d accepted the man’s offer but decided he wouldn’t do that again because it wouldn’t be fair to the people who’d paid 50¢. Now he’s considering branching out, having noticed that while only a few of the people at the field play golf, everybody gets hot and sweaty. So we may soon see Nathaniel’s Used Golf Ball and Sugar-Free Lemonade Conglomerate.
This has been a growth period for me because Nathaniel is redefining our relationship. We had to reassess my parental role and let go of some of the old protective impulses. It hasn’t always been easy for either of us. For all my delight in his increasing independence, there’s still this fierce, almost primal urge to stand between him and the world and shield him from every possible danger or disappointment. He too, seems pulled by contradictory forces these days, sometimes rebelling against all restriction, at other times wanting the reassurance of limits. There are days when he seems to question every utterance I make; if I’m not careful, I can get drawn into a half-hour debate on whether or not it looks like rain. So we’re at a rather delicate balance right now. It helps to remind myself that challenging me is a natural, normal, healthy thing for him to do, part of his process of determining who he is and what he believes.
In the meantime I look for ways he can spend meaningful time with the young adults he enjoys so much. This is a challenge, in that our income limits us to activities that are either cheap or free. But this summer we found a wonderful series of nature programs sponsored by our local state park. Wildlife is one of Nathaniel’s passions. The instructors are all young and enthusiastic, and I made a point of dropping him off and picking him up, though this was often more inconvenient for me. We both sensed that it was important for him to establish his own relationships without good old Mom hovering in the background. Now he’s hoping to sign on as a nature volunteer.
