How Much Parental Direction?

This is an eternal question for parents, but for many in the unschooling and alternative school communities it can be a very divisive topic. It was a frequent theme throughout Growing Without Schooling’s long history with various families and experts opining on it. Madeline Murphy writes about how her family “… found that there is an ebb and flow to the amount of structure and to the amount of direction we provide in our children’s learning, but we are always involved.”

From GWS 53

How Much Parental Direction?

From Madalene Murphy (PA):

… Your response to Ruth McCutchen’s and Mike Kearn’s comments about a school-like approach vs. a more relaxed approach to learning at home (GWS 52)  interested me a great deal because it is an issue that Tom and I have been discussing a lot with each other and with other homeschooling families that we know. One thing that often bothers me about some discussions of this topic is that it is taken for granted that it is an either–or situation: either one maintains a highly regulated “school” at home with the parents firmly in charge directing the day or one “relaxes” and, for some, a “relaxed’ approach means no interference at all in the child’s experiencing of life and the automatic rejection of any materials that might be remotely connected with a traditional school experience. I have found that, while a very few can and do maintain these extremes for several years, for the majority of homeschoolers, going to extremes in either direction can result in the parents or kids giving up and the kids returning to school.

I know of one family where the parents felt that they didn’t have to do anything with the children, that they would just absorb all sorts of wonderful things from life even though it was not convenient to involve them in the parents’ busy world. After the couple of years the children were so bored they begged to go back to school. This, of course, is an extreme example of an extreme, and I know John never believed parents should just step out of their children’s lives and let them grow up on their own.

… Emily’s school experience had evidently been so negative in the area of writing that she actively avoided even writing her own name and would automatically reject getting involved in an activity if it meant having to write at all. And so, after two years of writing what she dictated to us, offering gentle suggestions and providing lots of good examples on our part, we began to feel something had to be done to help her break through this artificial barrier. The problem was not that she was not ready to write but that she had been actively taught that writing was a horrible exercise. We didn’t care whether or not she ever made writing a major part of her life but we wanted her to do enough writing to see that it was not something that somebody would immediately swoop down upon with comments about sloppy handwriting and other self-esteem destroying statements so that she was not cutting herself off from a valuable tool. We insisted that she write several nights a week—while Tom wrote, too, so that it was not as if we were laying some kind of punishment upon her, but more like she was participating in a family activity. …  It seemed to us that in this instance, firmly insisting was the best way and, although it was a slow process, Emily does write without difficulty now.

We have found that there is an ebb and flow to the amount of structure and to the amount of direction we provide in our children’s learning, but we are always involved. Many times we simply follow the children’s interests, supporting them by driving the kids to the library to look up books on the subject or buying batteries for an electrical investigation. And sometimes those interests are based on things we introduced into their world. Years ago, when we saw Shakespeare plays being offered on PBS we asked Emily if she wanted to watch one and then prepared her for it by sitting down with her and reading through part of the first act, each taking a couple of different roles, to get her used to the language and the plot. She loves Shakespeare now and we have even been able to take her to see some live performances.

And we also try to respond to particular needs. Clare, (now 7) was moving gradually and naturally toward reading but was interrupted thoroughly by our move a year ago. Her interest revived when Tom and I made sure we found time to have her read something to one or both of us each day (while we told her any words she didn’t know or didn’t want to take a guess at). Reading aloud seems to be a necessary part of her learning to read.

And we do use textbooks sometimes. Christian (10) is beginning a geometry textbook that we had picked up as a possibility for Emily. It is really tough going at times but he loves it. At the same time, I have to be available to work with him on it and so this brings up the topic of weekly—sometimes daily—goals.

… For a number of years, we have gotten together with each child at some point on the weekends and have made goals for the week. Now during these years, there have been many times when we dropped the goal-making for a while, but we have always returned to it because we have found the goals to be very useful reminders among the clothes-washing, meal preparations, telephone calls, craft projects, bike riding, reading, that there are other aspects of life that need to be attended to…